Reflection

Today, February 12, is the anniversary of my biological father’s death. It is a sobering time. There is much to reflect on, many could have been’s that I think on, things that did happen, the why God questions, and the small answers-gaining understanding of how different lifestyles and choices affect the end of a person’s life. He died before his time, so to speak. An adult yes, but not old enough. I feel partly responsible, and that is a weight to carry. I am not responsible for the choices he made, but I am responsible for the things that I did not do. I didn’t keep in contact enough, I had the opportunity to move to his area-and in doing so could have helped him. I didn’t realize that at the time-I didn’t know the problems he was facing and the daily struggles he was going through-but maybe he would still be here if I had moved there and helped. I’ve always been drawn to need, and at the time I had the best opportunity to move where he was, I was needed where I am now. In that way I don’t regret staying.

Of all my siblings, I certainly had the best relationship with him-so in some ways I believe that his death cut the most deeply into my soul. I am his daughter. I have his genetic imprint as far as personality, choices, and how I process information and relate to people. My mom used to say to me often, “you are just like your dad!” She still says that sometimes. I feel if I had known him better and lived near him-if the divorce hadn’t happened-I would have worked alongside him and he would have passed his knowledge and “trade secrets” on to me-but they lost now. That’s not to say my siblings aren’t heartbroken and deeply affected as well-most of them are.

I know that focusing on my failings in the relationship and the “could have beens” can derail my life and negatively affect my future choices and relationships. I don’t want that to happen. What I am trying-struggling at times-to do instead is to invest more in the relationships I have now. I am trying to learn from this and be more helpful, more interactive, more sensitive, more focused on the people who are still here. Being so much like my dad, I am also trying not to make all the same mistakes he did. Sometimes I succeed, often I do not. It is a learning process.

This time of reflection is an impactful one. It is a journey I am learning from. The “why God” questions allow me to have a better relationship with God too. They allow me to more fully understand what He being my Father and walking alongside Him means. There are still so many things to learn.